A Little About Sirius
by RavenclawLupin11
Summary: "I am both at war with him and in love with him...He's pensive. He tends to think too much. Whether it's that he thinks too much of himself or too little may never be known." Excerpt from Remus' journal from 1978


**RavenclawLupin11 Presents:**

**A Little About Sirius **

_R.J. Lupin's Journal_

_11/12/1978_

_10:34pm_

I am both at war with him and in love with him. I'm at war with him because he possesses neither the desire nor the ability to shut his obnoxiously loud mouth. I sit with Peter to try and alleviate the constant chatter, but he and James sit directly behind us and I can't drown out his rambling for very long. He is constantly mothering the three of us; mostly me. Whenever it's close to the Full Moon, he begins carrying my books or making sure my plate is full at meals. I know it comes from a place of compassion and the want to help me, but sometimes, I'd like to feel normal for once. I'm at war with him for his proclivity to attract dirt. I have never seen a person more okay with laying on a bed covered in used clothes and robes than him. His laziness when it comes to cleaning is abhorrent. I'm honestly surprised I haven't used Spellotape to mark my space beside my bed from his. Perhaps I should. Having the bed between him and James does not come without its disadvantages. He's also incredibly prone to breaking the rules, something that I am a known stickler for. (I will later explain this trait in more detail, but just know, he gets caught more times than he doesn't, and he also will take the fall for James, Peter or I if we were to be caught.) But I'm also in love with him because I know that he carries a fierce loyalty for those he cares about the most. He's never been one to shy away from a fight; whether or not his friends' interests are involved, like a true Gryffindor. I'm fairly certain he had to fight for things a lot in his younger days, especially from his parents. If you could call them that. From sharing the same room for years, I've picked up on things here and there.

I know his parents were...are...terrible towards him and that he eventually snapped and ran away to the Potter's one summer. His family's pure-blood mania wasn't something he could ever get behind, even as a small boy. How that ever happened has always boggled my mind. Is the question of Nature vs Nurture so skewed that it may never be known which side is more useful in child-rearing? That question leads to his self-deprecating humor that he's so fond of, but that makes my heart break for him. When his callous jokes about child abuse or abandonment come out, I both want to lash out at his family and hug him close to my chest and never let him go. How they could treat their own blood that way is a mite concerning to me. It's better off that he isn't in the presence of his psychopathic family. The one thing about him that I do know, and I'm both impressed by and like to steer him away from, is the genius level he possesses that cannot be matched. There isn't a single thing or person that can escape his pranking skills. He once successfully shrank all of the school's utensils to the size of knick knacks for a whole week because he 'accidentally did the wrong spell' during a Transfiguration lesson and McGonagall couldn't figure out how to undo it. He once changed the entire Ravenclaw House's quiddich robes to chartreuse after a liaison of his broke up with him after learning he was only using her for popularity points within the castle walls.

Perhaps it's his staggeringly good looks that keep him in the good graces of the staff and students of Hogwarts. To be fair, they're most of the reason I haven't killed him myself. Whenever I have the urge to strangle him, he looks up at me with his steely grey eyes and I suddenly can no longer remember my own name. And even though he tries his best to hide his emotions from everyone, I can always tell by his eyes what his true feelings are. They sparkle mischievously when he's happy, they're clouded when he's sad, and they darken to nearly onyx when he's angry. Despite him being quick to anger, I have only seen him purely angry a few times in our years at school. Never at me. Not yet, anyway. Somewhat shielding his eyes from view is the long, wavy locks of dark hair that fall elegantly in his face. The hair that always smells of fresh pine. The hair that birds swoon after. The hair that he pulls back into a bun atop his head during Potions. The hair that I'd saw off my left arm to run my fingers through just once. (Can't saw off my right arm. That's my wand arm.) The hair that gives Padfoot his distinctively shaggy, dark fur. In fact, some of the girls in fourth year even called him 'the hair' for awhile. The only hair that he has grown that I haven't been a fan of, was when he went through a goatee phase in fifth year. He thought it made him look 'distinguished and poised.' I thought it made him look homeless and stupid. A point of which I told him about and he refused to talk to me for six days. After which, he promptly shaved it off and no one ever brought it up again. (Except James, who never lets any stupid mishap go. See aforementioned utensil shrinkage.) Personally, I'd like to feel his face with a few days' worth of stubble on his cheek. How irresistible he would be then?

As if he couldn't get any better, being born into a family that is the closest equivalent of royalty that the wizarding world has, has given him the most striking facial structure; high cheekbones, strong jawline, slender slanted nose and full, very kissable, lips. Features that make girls (and some guys as well, yours truly included) of all ages swoon upon seeing him. He's never really paid heed to most of the swooning, save the times he'd use a girl for his advancement or advantage. (See aforementioned chartreuse robes.) Along with the dashing good looks is his insane ability to eat everything within seeing distance and stay magnificently trim and fit. Being that we've shared a dorm for seven years, I've seen him starkers many-a-time and it's always enjoyable to see. I have had to pretend I was affronted upon walking in to him naked. My two favorite physical attributes that he possesses are his long, tan legs. And his slow to fruition smile. His legs are solid. Muscular. Good for kicking off the ground on a broomstick before flying -one of the few things he's terrible at (despite having the perfect fit to be a beater on the Quiddich team, much to James' chagrin).

He's usually always complaining about being bored. How one person so loud, obnoxious and deviant can always be so bored, I'll never know. His boredom is usually broken by pranking someone or hexing Snivellus or going down to The Three Broomsticks and getting pissed. He's often pissed, on his way to being pissed or incredibly hungover. He's gotten rather good at pretending to take notes in classes while his head is splitting in half. (Again, see aforementioned utensil shrinkage.) I tend to make sure to take notes for him on these days, to which he sends me that show smile I mentioned earlier that makes my insides turn to mush. (He does return the favor in the week leading up to the Full Moon, and the days afterwards when I'm in hospital recovering.)

But when he's not bored or pranking or drinking or swearing, he's quiet. He's pensive. He tends to think too much. Whether it's that he thinks too much of himself or too little may never be known. But I happen to know that he has often crawled into my bed at night after having a particularly bad dream caused no doubt by the over thinking of things before bed. In those moments, I can't imagine why I am at war with him at all. He's a broken, battered, scared young man who is trying to fight his way through the world, just like the rest of us. He's scared of losing his friends; maybe he's even scared of losing himself along the way. All I can do is wipe his tears away and tell him a stupid pun to make him laugh. I want to be the one who will show me him the love and desire he deserves to know, but how can I when he's twenty times the person I am? Ha, here I've been talking about his self-depreciating humor. I'll try to keep you updated on things, though. I am

hoping to be able to say that he's better soon. That he's letting him love himself. Until then, I'm off.

-Remus John Lupin


End file.
